did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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