now i know why i became what i already was.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
Randomize