I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
