bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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