Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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