i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
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