i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
