She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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