people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
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