Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
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