New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
