if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
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My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
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The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
Randomize