Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
