I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I heard Topanga got a DUI. I need that mugshot asap.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
Randomize
