I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
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