Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
