my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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