STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
