Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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