i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
Randomize
