The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just wanna go home jackoff, eat chicken fingers, drink beer, play halo and go to bed. I'm sick of this shitty school, the shitty kids and having to fucking teach them.
Randomize
