i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
