I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
