My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.
Green mimosas i think yes
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
On a scale of 0 to Thanksgiving, there is no amount of food that fights against tequila.
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
Randomize
