mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
Randomize
