Your face is a jimmy john
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
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