You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
The dick lei will go down in squad history
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
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