I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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