it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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