Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
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