My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
