I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
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