the guy working at the drive-thru just asked me if i wanna bang after he gets off work tonight.
given your current drought situation, im genuinely curious to know what your answer was
i told him maybe and gave him my number. sad? probably. but even if the sex is bad maybe i'll get a free burger out of it
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Randomize
