maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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