you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
