another moral hangover. fuck.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
Randomize
