Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
