i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
