when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
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