life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i have two papers due tomorrow. contemplating if i should take adderall in my anus for full effects
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
