I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
