you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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