I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
