If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
it's like iHOP with fire
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
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She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
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Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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