I haven't been this sober since birth.
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
nutella sex= disaster
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
