In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
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