Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
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