i'm lost and i look like a hooker
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
She was wearing some slutty variation of a toga and giving the entire bus a pep talk on why we should black out tonight...I'M IN LOVE AND I DON'T CARE WHO KNOWS IT!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
