yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
