I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
