don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
