Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
All I remember is while we were making out M.A.A.D City came on so I pushed him off of me so I could rap along.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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