I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
im on a boat
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