is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
