Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
