It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Randomize
