when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
YOU TOOK A FUCKING SNAP OF ME TRYING TO PEE! I'M GOING TO FUCK YOU WITH THE BUSINESS END OF A RUTED RAKE!
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
My life is pants optional.
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