I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
