i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I found the pot of gold last night, and it was full of bad decisions.
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
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