i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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