You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
You took nana to a bar?!
she suggested it
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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