my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
