Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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